Life · Past · Story

The One Reminding Me How Far I’ve Come

Today, I fell into one of those typical Facebook quiz holes. Where one of your friends post their results and it looks interesting so you take it too. Then when you’re done it shows you others you can take. Well it led me to the quiz, “What is wrong with you?” It showed a picture of a random result saying, “you’re too nice.” I thought, “This will be interesting,” as I laughed to myself.

While all of this is happening though, I’m working through some depressive emotions. A minor blip on the radar but still a blip to be considered and taken note of. Kind of like my head is a submarine with sonar. The depressive emotion enters my field (my thoughts) and the beeping starts to go off. It is nothing of major size to think that it can cause any damage but I still worry. Because anything in the field can be a threat with the possibility of growing into a bigger problem; so it should still be taken note of. These emotions occurred because some fuckboy (and I do not say fuckboy lightly here like I do in daily conversation with friends) is trying to make me give in on a decision that I’m dead set on. My answer will not change. It is a deal breaking situation. I told him to take it or leave it. He got all butt-hurt because he wasn’t getting his way. When for the past few days, I had been giving in on other things, slightly less unimportant things, but still giving in nonetheless. He was using guilt trips to make me feel bad. Using his words to make me feel like a bad person because I’m not giving him what he wanted. Looking back now I’m thinking, “What are you? A 4-year-old? Are you going to throw a temper tantrum because mom didn’t give you some chocolate?” Like grow up. Show women some respect. Respect my one decision that I tell you I will not argue over.

Before I tell you about the results of the little quiz I took, let me give you some background on my past. When I was a little girl, I was strikingly independent. I liked to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted. I hated being told what to do. I was the one telling others what to do. I got called “bossy” too many times to count. I use to see that as an insult – now I proudly wear that title. It structured my leadership personality. I was taking life, school, and everything in between by the horns and leading it forward. There wasn’t anything that I felt I couldn’t do. But it all changed when I got close to this group of people. I won’t mention them here, because that is a story that would take 12 years to get through.

Long story short, this one group of people became my second family. I fell in love with one of them, one of them became my big brother, and two of them were 2 of my best friends in the world. I would live to make sure that they were happy and okay before myself because that’s what friend’s do. We were all going through some hard times and leaned on each other for support when times were hard. I didn’t see it then, but this actually took a huge toll on me and made me feel pretty shitty. Not shitty about myself like I was being bullied; but it affected my health and my emotional state. I felt run down, tired, and no longer the independent person I once was. I was in a constant state of worry and stress. But it felt necessary because I was being there for my friends; those whom I cared for and loved. I started leaning heavily on my best friend, my other half, my person* (let’s call her Gabe in these stories to keep it anonymous – but that’s also our nicknames for each other J) for all types of support. It put a strain on our friendship after a while. Because now she was becoming like me. I could see her coming tired and rundown because of me and this was my rock bottom.

Everything was kind of falling apart around me and I was ashamed that I let it get this bad. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I didn’t feel connected to the independent, boss ass bitch (excuse my language) I knew was still inside of me…somewhere. I knew she was there because she still showed up in school. But socially and in relationships, she was nowhere to be found. Keep in mind that this was a slow change over 2 and half to 3 years. The light inside of me diminished slowly. I like to think that this is why I never noticed what was happening to myself because it was so slow. Like someone was slowly just chipping away layers – that someone being myself. There was this moment. This startling, heavy, life changing moment. Gabe told it to me straight to me one day. That she didn’t know who I was anymore. This person on the other end of the phone wasn’t the best friend & other half that she had met. She told me I needed to knock it off. I needed to pick myself up and stop letting everything eat me. I needed to, basically, get my head out of my ass and find myself again. She gave me an ultimatum – I got my head out of my ass or she’s walking away. Because, like I said, my behavior and emotions was affecting her more than I ever realized until that moment.

This started the journey back to myself; and this was 3 years ago. The middle of my freshman year of college (as if I didn’t have enough stress, right?). But here I am, now 3 years later, and I’m happy to say that I have fully reconnected with my old self. Hell, we molded into one new person. I love this new me. I’m enjoying my life. I’m truly happy for what seems to be the first time in a long time. It wasn’t an easy journey. There were speed bumps, blown tires, overheating engines, you name it. But I had an amazing support system – without which I honestly don’t know if I’d be where I am now.

I know that’s a cliché line but it’s honestly very true. I have the privilege of calling some of the greatest people on this Earth my best friends. Some I’ve known since high school; some I’ve only just met in college. Maybe that’ll be another blog post – one about all of my dearest friends…hmm…anyway! They have been there through the smiles, the laughs, the crying, the sobbing, the horrendous and the hilarious text messages guys think it’s okay to send to women. They’ve been there through it all; and I can’t think of any way to thank them for that. How do you thank someone for helping to pull you out of the darkest depths of yourself? For helping you save your life from further spiraling downward? You can’t…at least not physically, not really. I just try to show them the same kindness and same loyalty they’ve shown me. I try to be there for them to the best of my ability. I look out for their best interests. I remind them of their goals they’ve shared with me – even if they don’t want to hear it, ahaha. Bu it’s okay because they do the same to me, too! Like yelling at me when I say I want to go the gym and then never go…  I pick them up when they fall down (figuratively and literally…Winston…hahaha). I just try to return the favor and be the friend they were to me. THE GOLDEN RULE, KIDS. If you thought your elementary school teachers were telling you a load of bullshit, well, you’re wrong, and I don’t like you.

Now. Back to what this was about! The quiz! So to remind you, the quiz was, “What is wrong with you?” Again, I was like haha this should be funny. I clicked the start button for it to do my profile checking thing and when the results popped up, I was knocked speechless. Here they read:

“You don’t give a damn. You’re yourself. You don’t care about what other people have to say or care and you live life on your own terms. Other people might think of this as a flaw, but it’s actually your biggest strength.”

Hmph. Okay, God, okay. I hear you. I’m picking up what you’re throwing down. Here I was moments before this, feeling bad and letting a fuckboy make me feel bad for sticking to my decision. Although, looking back now, I’m not sure if I was more upset that he was trying to make me feel bad (to no success btw) or that there was such a simple solution and he was so stubborn and use to getting his way that he wouldn’t do it. Like hmm, okay, spoiled brat. Go cry to mommy, then. I’ll go find myself a real man. *cue Mulan music* < you know the one 😉

So, I was swift as a coursing river and with all the force of a great typhoon, I picked myself up with the strength of the raging fire and I now continue to be mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Mysterious because, hell, I have hormones and depression, who knows when my next mood swing will strike. One minute I’m sweet, then you say something with a weird tone, and now I’m biting your head off. Sorry, circle of life, or something like that. Wow, a lot of Disney references all of a sudden. Oops. Sorry not sorry. Anywayyyy… I was upset. Then I get these results and it seriously is like a sign from a higher power. Reminding me of who I am and how far I’ve come.

I honestly do not give a damn. I am myself! I really don’t care what other people have to say about me because I know who I am. I’m not asking or wanting everyone to like me or love me. Not everyone gets along – it will never happen. There are certain personality types that will always clash. Hell, I’m honestly so surprised that my best friend, Winston, is still with me because we are like polar opposites. She’s introverted, I’m extroverted. She’s quiet, I’m loud. I’m neat, she’s…well…not, hahah. Love you, bb. Don’t kill me if you’re reading this. But we have similar interests and an understanding of our differences. That’s how you make it work. But when a stranger talks trash, go ahead because you don’t know me. You don’t know my life, my struggles, my journey. None of it. I’m also going to try, keyword there (because my patience is only so strong sometimes, ask my friends), try to not stoop down to your level of bullying and childish games to make yourself feel better. You want to know how I became so independent? How I learned to not give a damn? I became the bitch. The bullies left me alone after 6th grade when they couldn’t get a rise out of me anymore. I beat them at their own game.

I’m living my life on my own terms. Because it is MY life and no one else’s. The bossy little toddler still lives inside me. Only she grew up to be a sassy, intelligent woman who isn’t going to play games anymore. I’m still doing what I want, when I want, because I now know where I want to go in life. My ‘rents are cool with this because they know they didn’t raise no fool.

Some people may not like the way I present myself. May not like my sense of confidence. But I do and so do my friends; because they’ve seen me at my darkest point when I would’ve been cowering in the corner or going along with whatever someone else wanted. Not standing up for myself, my thoughts, or my morals. And that is what every woman should have the strength to do.

Remind yourself that your thoughts and morals are important because they make you who you’re. One day, I promise you will find that man (notice I said man and a not a fuckboy, ladies) that appreciates everything about you. I can promise this because I have seen some men out there that can handle me and my sass. Heck, some are sassier than me. It’s rare, but it happens. It’s cliché but that’s what a partner is supposed to do. They’re supposed to accept you for who you are – not try to change you into something you’re not. Supposed to lift you up – not tear you down. Supposed to compliment the positive attributes – and hopefully balance out the negative. All about balance. Hopefully my story struck a nerve, or strummed a chord, on your life today. That’s what I hope to achieve by spreading my stories from here on out.

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